My first hour in The Legend of Zelda: Echoes of Wisdom left me with a single, unshakeable thought: God, Hyrule’s prisons are terrible.
Yes, I was besotted with how traditional the whole thing felt and still somewhat in shock that I had a brand new Zelda game in my hands a mere 18 months after its predecessor. But all that went out of my mind the second I saw our titular hero get thrown into a cell. Come on, there’s a flipping massive hole right above that bench that may as well have “Climb me!” etched into it!
Giving the entire situation around three milliseconds of thought, I summoned a table, hopped onto the bench and led Zelda to freedom, chuckling to myself as I did so. Did I want it to be a more complex puzzle? No way. This is the introduction, and nobody wants to be stumped before the game has even begun. But this is becoming something of a running trend for the jails of Hyrule, and if the monarchy is ever going to get serious about keeping the Demon King imprisoned, it wouldn’t hurt to start practising on home soil.
Clink’s Awakening
We’ll start with the first big no-no, the one that sparked this thought in the first place: if there is a hole in your cell wall, fill it in.
It feels like a no-brainer, but perhaps if your entire population has generally been reliant on some kind of special cape, shoes, or wristband in order to jump, it might not be the first thing to spring to mind.
Perhaps there’s a simpler approach: if there is a hole in your cell wall, make sure the cell next to it has its door locked. There. That seems doable even for the less springy Hylians.
On a related note, if there is a hole in your cell floor, do more than simply plonk a wooden crate on it. Twilight Princess sees Link (in wolf form, no less) locked away for crimes against teen angst, an incarceration which is similarly evaded in a matter of seconds.
True, chaining the prisoner to the floor was a smarter move in this instance — maybe consider thicker chains for the shape-shifting wolf man next time — but how does he end up escaping? By easily smashing the wooden crate in the corner and digging his way out through the crudely filled-in hole beneath. Nobody’s expecting you to be prepared for interdimensional imp royalty, but let’s assume that most inmates will have a basic grasp of shovelling dirt.
However, the kingdom’s prisons are not plagued only by holey walls and floors, so our work is far from over.
A Clink Between Worlds
Take A Link Between Worlds, for example. The Thieve’s Hideout is one of the series’ more successful prisons, keeping its lower-level criminal behind bars for more than a few seconds. Sure, there’s a hole in the ceiling, but the barred entry is a pretty solid way to keep most people out (at least, those who can’t turn into paintings).
There is, however, one teeny-tiny flaw that makes it just as rough as the series’ worst. The cell is home to a switch which opens another pretty crucial door to the cell opposite. What’s more, this big red button is out in the open for all to see. It might not do much to aid the prisoner’s escape, but I’d wager it’s probably a better idea to leave the door controls in a room where inmates won’t be coming into contact with them, no?
And while we’re on switches, let’s keep them hidden away. Many out there might be pleased to see Tingle behind bars, but when you first encounter him locked up in Wind Waker, a cursory glance behind that nearby stack of suspiciously positioned vases is a giveaway. If you’re going to unlock a cell with a single button, maybe put it a little more out of reach.
Ocarina of Jail Time
I’ve got to give it to them, Ocarina of Time’s Gerudo know what’s what. If they catch Link stepping out of line, it’s a one-way ticket to a high-walled, empty cell with no holes in sight.
Except! Is that an open window with a noticeably wooden overhang? Come on, people, this should be Prison 101! As our wonderful video producer put it in the below OOT stream (referencing Pitch Meetings, of course), “Oh, that was pretty simple. Barely an inconvenience.” You’re damn right, Felix.
Look, I like an easy solution as much as the next person — particularly when the alternative is stewing in a box, waiting for a key-bearing hero in a green tunic to turn up — but don’t you think Hyrule’s maximum security should be a little more, I don’t know, secure?
Those who have sped through Echoes of Wisdom will surely know that my prison woes are far from over, but I’ll leave that discussion until another day. I don’t want to spoil the suspense of whether our hero will possibly make it out unscathed next time.
