From 2010 to 2014 Richard Cobbett Crapshoot is a column about rolling dice to resurface random games. Stick of Truth may have given the series its gaming majesty this week, but let’s not forget what happened when it first hit the screen.
The scoring percentage for this game was 8%. Just 8. Not 8, but another number like 2 or 7 or 4. 8% raw naked, dating back to PC Gamer 69, isn’t exactly a good number, nor a funny number at all.
With that in mind, you might think it’s going to be one of the worst games ever reviewed, but we all know there are worse games out there. Monsters Inc: Wreck Room Arcade earned the only and only percentage points for its name. Mathematically speaking, Bass Avenger was twice as good as he was. But still, the 8% figure is what those of us in the industry call a “really, really low number.” This is a score specific to games such as Forbes Corporate Warrior and Little Britain.
You’d think creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone would at least take some pride in their early work that helped build a farting empire, but that’s not the case. No no no. As far back as 2000, they were happy to describe this and other games as “video games we hate.”
Today is the worst day to put on a negative-zapping V-chip, but I’ll do my best. South Park sucks, it hurts! So, assuming we live in an infinite universe and all possibilities happen somewhere, South Park could be one of the greatest games ever. It’s definitely not what players who accidentally bought it were expecting. Who doesn’t like surprises? Sure, they usually like surprises of all kinds, like finding out the game was much better than expected, but let’s not be Mr. Picky here. Because nobody likes Mr. Picky. Even the electric V-chip doesn’t care about his feelings.
The plot is great in its simplicity, mostly helping to lower expectations from the get-go and not actively run out of great ideas that might otherwise have popped up on the show and entertained millions instead of just the two of them.
A normal day in Colorado. Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny learn that a comet of pure evil has hit the city, turning it into a war zone unlike anything you’ve seen before. First of all, it’s now in 3D. It might seem silly to turn a game notorious for its 2D look into the cheesiest 3D you’ve ever seen, but in the end it’s just slightly more polygons than the original construction paper short. It’s okay!
Actions are more silly than “Ouch!” In other words, it’s “fantastically minimal.” In the first three levels he just fights turkeys. Hundreds of turkeys. There are literally hundreds of turkeys, and occasionally tougher turkeys that spawn other turkeys. Because Christ knows there weren’t enough turkeys for this turkey already.
They’re all either alien turkeys or fugitives from the Renaissance Fair, and while it’s not entirely clear after the big turkey shows up, thankfully all are vulnerable to the most fearsome weapon known to an eight-year-old man: guns. And also snowballs.
Yellow snowballs are available, but take a few seconds to prepare. By repeatedly clicking, you can probably not only break through hordes of aliens, but slowly earn Repetitive Fatigue Damage, a gift that keeps on giving. Alternatively, holding it down causes a high-speed wing action of the wrist like the kind usually associated with Oscar’s night nip-slip, knocking down an entire army before it begins to slide into an unconscious mind filled with painful dreams of wasted money.
Of course, it’s an irrelevant dream. It’s just one of those things that happens sometimes. without provocation.
You can play as either boy. This is great, but there is no real difference between them. Even better, nearing the end of the meal, you save your decision-making brain cells for what really matters, like deciding whether to finish the meat first or the last chips. Meat or chips? Chips or meat? It would be a terrible decision to suddenly be stuck one day, and you know that too.
However, all have their own voice clips to prove they can do anything given their contractual obligations. For example, Cartman says something like “This sucks!”And “your mother is a bitch!”, which is great, because that’s what he’s totally like will do Say if he got snowballed, or if he perceived your maternal parent to have dog-like persuasiveness. This determines the tone of the sound piece here. Best of all, the background music doesn’t go beyond limited welcome by ‘looping’. Just one round is considered enough and will prove more than enough for discerning listeners to fully appreciate the quality.
Of course, this isn’t the only collection of noises trying to wobble your gut through your ears. There are also effects and oh the soundscapes they create! It’s been said that there’s no better audio moment in all of a game than when South Park goes happily silent for a few moments, momentarily stopping the constant, headache-inducing turkey army clattering in unison from being heard in both ears.
Of course, turkeys aren’t the only ones whose absence brings joy. Other enemies await when they are dealt with. However, not many players actually reached that point. Because, almost certainly by accident, the release of his PC version of South Park has led to a huge increase in the number of people microwaving his CDs to see the beautiful lightning effects. There are so many deaths. Still, it’s better than being one of those poor sups who bought the N64 version. Zelda lovers don’t have microwave fun.
Perhaps part of the reason for the experience presented is that the South Park game was released in 1999, so it allowed only two years’ worth of material to be drawn and scrapped to kill about 100 turkeys. You might think so, or you might think that the limited amount of effort required to make it happen–a level designer being able to smash boxes and tunnels with one hand and write a best-selling novel with the other–would be great for everyone involved. Alternatively, he can give birth while producing high-quality art his assets that provide the game’s trademark look. And it’s only men.
it’s hard not to think of original simpsons game. It was good? absolutely. But it’s also very strange, and while most people dearly miss it, the deviation from the canon has proven somewhat controversial over the years. South Park wisely avoided it, opting for an experience whose quality was undisputed, bringing all of its players together so they could say, “Even I could think of a better game!”
(My own suggestion: Scrimshaw Hangman. The first word is “anti-nationalism.”)
The best thing about South Park is… it’s… ah! no! sufficient! South Park has nothing but the best! If the game deserves the 8% shame, it’s this lazy cash-in that makes even other cash-ins look down on. This is exactly the game he has three perks. First, I did the not-so-crap job of recreating the show’s intro with a song. Second, at least on consoles, split-screen multiplayer could have provided gamers without the actual game with a few minutes of a little distraction. But on a PC, it’s online-only, so it doesn’t matter. Third, do not actively give sukuhra.But wow is it try.
The first three levels are the most notorious, and for good reason. They are more than enough to completely and utterly and fairly wipe out the entire experience. Three descents into hell made entirely of boredom and failure, apparently based on a misunderstanding of both the words “turkey shootout” and “game.”
Does it get better from there? you will be shocked, shocked, No, we learn that it is not. Sure, the enemies change a bit, and you get a few more weapons in your arsenal, but it doesn’t matter how many chocolate chips you dropped on Fucking Sundae. It’s still a spoonful that no one needs to taste, and it’s hard to swallow.
The only real reason to do so is that as a poor kid in 1999, getting a game, whatever it was, was such a big deal to me. Because you probably won’t be getting your next game for a while. If I was unlucky enough to get something like this, I would have had to pretend I liked it to save face, thinking I could have bought something better instead. Kind of like a barbed wire suppository. Or Waterworld he is part 3.
But at least this is a one-off, right? Acclaim’s other South Park games were licence-compliant, and then Parker and Stone looked like a couple of grumpy guts? They are, Better, but in the same way getting kicked in the face is better than getting kicked in the face with steelcapped boots.Initially Chef’s Love Shacka mix of game show parodies and minigames of a quality not seen since ITV theft. finally, south park rally It also existed, hoping no one knew that Mario Kart 64 could be bought with money as well.that was It’s certainly the best of the original games, but it still does about 18% worse than Hitler mid-kitten punt.
Thankfully, The Stick of Truth has finally redeemed the games in the series. I haven’t played it yet, but at least that’s it for my weekend. I ran this uninstaller about 5 times to remove any trace of the worst shooter on the market, and just to be sure I soaked the entire hard drive in acid. No, not excessive.south park simply that’s bad.
